Welcome to tokoni

There are over twelve million single mother households in the United States today. Each of these single mothers has a unique, yet similar story to tell. I am one of those twelve million single mothers and I would like to share my story with you.

My name is Pam Brasher. I am forty-three years old and the single mother of three children ranging from ages eleven to seventeen years. 

I am writing to you today because I believe you are sympathetic to the difficulties women face in a society which seems to care little for the welfare of single women and their children.

I am one among thousands who have grown weary of defending my rights in the court systems and winning my cases only to receive nothing in return. I deserve justice not only for myself, but for my children as well.

I am one of many who are unheard of…but highly noticeable. One of many whose hair is never in place, who is sleep deprived, who is running on an empty tank financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am one of many who face the day with a look of contemplative concern that comes from too little sleep, limited food in the cupboard, and bill juggling since last year's tax return. Hercules himself would tremble at the range of responsibilities women like me face each day.

No one is capable understanding or appreciating the method to the madness in my life unless they to are a single parent attempting to care for themselves as well as their children with little or no help from the other parent. The work load is overwhelming. Earning a living, preparing meals, caring for children, helping with homework, cleaning house, paying bills, repairing the car, handling insurance, and doing the banking, income tax, marketing, the list goes on and on. Only a single parent can see clearly how the house can sustain itself and stand against all the odds and restraints that are present in the social and legal system. I crawl out of bed each day because I have no other choice but to try and survive. I survive anyway that I can. I do it twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I am the famous juggler of time, activity, finances, and responsibility; I have defied the laws of gravity, physics, and economics.

In October of 2004 I joined the ranks of many other women in society today. I became a single mother of three exceptionally bright children. I was awarded full custody, $1200.00 a month in child support ($92.31 each week, per child) and $300.00 in alimony. My ex-husband was ordered to pay all medical expenses (which has been paid by me since 2006), and the monthly mortgage on our home until our youngest son (who was six at the time) graduated from high school. He met and married a woman with two children in May of 2006. He purchased a nice home with a pool, on a golf course, and in the country club. He bought new furniture and appliances for every room. He had the best of everything. As the next two years passed, my ex-husband stopped paying medical and orthodontic payments. His life insurance policy, which he was ordered to be kept current by the courts, was canceled. He refused to help with school expenses and he became increasingly angry and abusive on the weekends he had with the children. During this time and after court ordered counseling, he was stripped of any visitation rights unless supervised. This was due to physical, mental, and emotional abuse.

In January of 2007 I received a letter stating the mortgage on the home my children and I had lived in for seventeen years had not been paid in over four months and foreclosure proceedings had begun. In February 2007 the judge ordered my ex-husband to bring the mortgage up to date or be incarcerated. He made no attempt to make the mortgage payment on the home his children lived in, however, the mortgage payment of $1400.00 on the home his wife and two stepchildren lived in remained current.

In June of 2007 my children and I were notified that we had ten days to vacate the home. We were emotionally and mentally devastated. We had no idea where we would go or what we would do. I knew that on my weekly salary it would not be possible to pay rent, much less utilities. Not to mention, I was still making a loan payment each month for siding on a home I was forced to leave. I don’t believe I have ever felt so alone and afraid. A relative offered to let us stay in his home until we could get back on our feet. I honestly don’t know where we would have gone or what might have happened to us if he had not been there.

For four months my children and I lived out of two rooms in someone else’s home. My son and I shared one room and slept on a mattress in the floor. My daughters shared the other room. Although I was thankful for the roof over our heads and the compassion my cousin had shown, the humiliating circumstances of being homeless and unable to provide a home for my children was almost more than I could bear.

My former husband received a generous salary and benefits from a large corporation. The company provided him with a new vehicle, paid for his auto insurance, fuel, cell phone, and internet access. He was capable of meeting his responsibilities as well as any material needs our children may have had. However, he chose to provide a more than comfortable life for himself, his wife, and his two step-children, leaving his own children homeless.

As for my obligations, I have always demonstrated the utmost in responsibility by ensuring the mental, physical, emotional, nutritional, and educational needs of my children were met on a daily basis. My children have and always will be my top priority.

My ex-husband was incarcerated for six days for failure to bring the payments current. He was released after his wife (who works in administration for a local hospital) had a doctor send a letter stating he had an anxiety disorder and his condition required his immediate release. This came as quite a shock to me, considering I had been married to him for fifteen years and he was mentally and physically the picture of health. In the meantime, his income increased $1200.00 each month since he no longer paid the mortgage on the home his children had lived in all of their lives. His lifestyle did not change, but was better than ever. The legal system released him from jail. To this date he has not suffered any consequences for his actions. He went on with his life and his income increased while the children and I were without a roof over our heads and he still wasn’t providing court ordered medical payments.

In October of 2007, after four months of being homeless, I was able to purchase a new home for myself and my children. It was considerably smaller than our old home and we were forced to sell most of our furniture and many family treasures, but we were determined to find the silver lining in our shattered lives. With only $94.00 remaining after the weekly mortgage and insurance payment of $230.00, our income was budgeted to the penny and dependent on the child support payments. We learned to do without many things, but we realized we still had what was important…each other. The bond between my children and I is remarkable and unbreakable. We were determined we were going to survive. My oldest daughter, Anna, began working the summer of her freshmen year in high school. She continues to work to help support not only herself, but her brother and sister as well (all while maintaining a 4.3 grade point average). Anna is an amazing young woman. Her childhood has been stolen from her because her father refuses to meet his obligations as a parent.

In February 2008, with bills due and cupboards bare, I received the news Mr. Brasher had willingly resigned from his well-paying job of eight years because it was too stressful and he was depressed. He had threatened to quit many times. Once again, the walls were closing down around me. Knowing that I would now be the sole person responsible for the well-being of my children, I swallowed my pride and made the humiliating walk through the doors of the Department of Human Resources in search of some temporary assistance, however, I quickly learned that because I am employed and considered to be a middle class citizen I was disqualified from receiving any financial aid from the government.

For the past fourteen months I have been in and out of court (more times than I care to count) fighting for my children. During this time I received child support only when Mr. Brasher was threatened with incarceration. From August through November I did not receive any child support payments what-so-ever.

In December 2008 I was awarded a judgment of $7,500.00 for back child support and $4,238.75 for failure to provide previous provisions of the Court regarding my oldest child’s vehicle and insurance. The issues regarding current child support obligations, past due medical receipts, and post minority support were addressed in court but were not mentioned in the ruling. However, the judge ordered Mr. Brasher to pay $200.00 each week in child support arrearages.

Last week I received a final ruling in my case. I was awarded a judgment of $9,710.35 for child support arrearages and $3,723.24 for past due medical bills. Mr. Brasher’s child support obligations were reduced to $569.00 each month (or $43.77 each week per child). His court ordered child support arrearage payments were reduced from $200.00 each week to $100.00 each month. Again, the post minority support was not mentioned in the ruling even though it was addressed a second time in court. I honestly thought there must have been a terrible mistake. It will take him over eight years to pay back the past due child support alone, no interest factored in and not including the additional judgments I was previously awarded. It seems my fate as well as my children’s has been sealed.

My circumstances are neither special nor rare. In fact, my story is entirely too common. I am a single parent who is owed child support; one of many who has worked with an attorney and the court system only to have my case continued and the court orders ignored. I have stood by and watched the courts give my children’s father a “slap on the wrist”. I have tried to help myself, pursued my case with the state agency, and sought temporary assistance only to be denied or rejected. I am one of many who have run out of options and who are consumed with the feeling of despair and defeat.

The prospects for the increasing number of children living with mothers who can not provide them with the basic necessities won't brighten. Although continued improvements in the collection rate are vital, providing support to single parents and their children means going beyond simply improving collection.

The legal system falls short of supporting single parents when it comes to enforcing court orders for dead beat dads. Months go by before the courts will hear a case. They are often continued repeatedly and the single mother and her children are forced into bankruptcy, losing their homes, cars, and their dignity. The time frame for hearing court cases and enforcing court rulings is detrimental to single mothers whose daily survival depends on receiving their child support payments on time and without delay. It does not matter how many court battles we win or what we are awarded if the system cannot enforce the court order. We are left with nothing but a piece of paper stating we are victorious.

I have been blessed with three amazing and exceptional children. They excel academically and are in the top of their class. Over the years, they have observed me struggling to survive financially and emotionally. At a very young age, they have learned the meaning of personal sacrifice. They deserve justice, a sense of security, and peace of mind in their lives.

I have always strived to do the best for my family. I consider myself to be a strong woman; tough, and determined; however, due to circumstances beyond my control, I have reached the end of my rope. I am not sure how I can improve the situation I am in. I am not sure if I can break the barricades that are blocking me from providing the basic necessities and a home for my children. The current laws and programs do not provide the support single parents need to recover from the struggles they face.

Again, I am a single parent, one of many who are alone; one of many who has visions of a better life for their children. It is my hope that you will help to raise awareness of the plight of single women in society today; their struggles and their fears; their courage and their strength. It is only when we come together that our voices can be heard; it is only then that we can fight for our rights and focus on regaining the confidence and dignity which has been cruelly stolen from us.

On behalf of the millions of single parents across the United States, I would like to know my voice is being heard. An answer must be found. The children we are attempting to raise are the future of this country, but we cannot do it alone. Help me in my efforts to provide a better road to their future. Help me move a mountain.

Sincerely,

Pamela S. Brasher